Friends With Benefits
by DeadPigeon
Summary: It happened. And it unrepentantly turned into a mutual arrangement that provided a balance to their unique partnership. But what seemed like a good idea a the time, eventually threatened to push them apart forever.
1. Chapter 1

**Friends With Benefits**

**Spring 2001**

Lynley watched as Barbara light her cigarette in his car. Their first case together was over and they were on their way back to London. The silence in the car was comfortable as a quiet understanding settled over them.

He found himself taken aback by the crass, opinionated woman he'd been partnered with. She was nothing like any of the well educated, put together women he'd known. Sergeant Havers was all working class and wool. Prickly to a fault, he would have charged her; up until the moment she had cried into his handkerchief. She had let him in and trust had been established. He'd found his new partner.

Barbara lowered the passenger window of his car and blew her smoke into the wind. Settling back into her seat, she was surprised how at ease she felt in his posh car. It was probably because she had let go of some of her preconceptions about him and had others thrown back into her face. The way Sergeant Nies had treated him reminded her of her own attitude towards him. She still wasn't sure if she had risked her reputation to save her career or to save him from Nies, and that bothered her. Lynley had surprised her at every turn in their case. He was the least judgmental DI she'd ever worked with and she hoped that the self destruction Hillier had planned for them would actually be their salvation. She'd have to wait and see.


	2. Chapter 2

Months passed and Hillier had kept them partnered. There were good and bad days, but the mutual respect they had for one another always smoothed out the rough patches. She would listen patiently as he pined away for Deborah, and he supported her day in and out as her father lay dying in hospital. It was their mutual misery that had them becoming more than just colleagues.

Barbara noticed it first. The unspoken familiarity that just sort of happened between them, the way he pulled off her boots, bought her coffee, paraded around in his boxers and invited her into his room while he was naked in the shower. He was lonely, she knew this, but did he know what he was doing to her? Hell, she was lonely too. Barbara was no virgin and she missed the touch of a man, any man, but her boss? That was risky.

It was a week long case just outside Cardiff that changed everything. He had called her room early one morning and invited her to his suite for breakfast and to review the findings CID had given them the night before. When she arrived he did not answer her knock so she let herself in. She heard the shower running through the open bathroom door. Damn, she was tired of this!

"Morning." She called out."

"Breakfast is on the table along with the report," he replied over the water.

She shook her head, this had to stop. She had to call his bluff. So, instead of heading to the table; she headed for the bathroom. When she got there she stood in the doorway and watched him thru the glass shower door. He was masturbating.

"Thought so!" She barked at him to get his attention.

He turned away from her, surprised at her boldness. "Shit….Havers….what are you doing?"

"Watching you." She crossed her arm and leaned against the door frame.

"Get out!" He was desperately tying to hide an erection that wasn't going away.

"No."

"Dammit woman…"

Barbara wasn't backing down, not this time. "You wanted this to happen, admit it."

He shut off the water in reply. He kept his back to her as he opened the shower door and reached for his towel. Barbara got there first. She pulled it from the rack and threw it out into the suite.

"What do you think you're doing?" He held his left arm out. "Give it back."

Barbara took two steps forward and grabbed his arm. She twisted it round behind his back and shoved him face first into the shower wall.

"You want to know what I'm doing? I'm going to finish what you started." And with her other hand she reached round and took hold of his penis. His body jumped at her touch.

"What…?" He wanted to protest.

"Shut it" she ordered and pressed him further into the wall. Barbara hoped she'd read him right. She started to stroke him and kept on she could feel any resistance disappear. She loosed her hold on his arm and he complied by placing both hands on the wall above his head. He had surrendered. Her left hand joined her right and squeezed his balls. That's when he lost it. She could feel him throbbing in her hand and he cried out. "Oh God!"

He slumped into the wall and she slapped his ass. She left the bathroom and picked up his towel. "See that wasn't so bad. All you had to do was ask." He turned round to look at her and she threw him the towel.

Barbara grinned at his confusion. "Let's have breakfast. I'm starved."


	3. Chapter 3

They came to and arrangement over breakfast_. Friends with benefits_. It was a win, win for them both. At work, he was in charge, but in the bedroom, she was. And so began their bizarre symbiotic relationship. He was coolly professional and detached at work, and she was kinky and dominating after. Barbara had guessed right. Most strong men secretly wished to be dominated by a woman and Lynley had been no exception. The times he'd be crass and harsh with her at work were tempered by the knowledge that she would make him pay later, in her own way. Their partnership flourished.

When Lynley fell for Helen, Barbara had encouraged him. She knew that their FWB relationship would never be enough for either of them and was happy he'd found someone to love. She never once deluded herself that he could ever love her, that's not how they worked. But, she never expected it to end.

He had ended it though, after Helen made a jesting accusation in anger that hit home. "I could understand if you were having an affair with her…" It wasn't an affair, but what was it? He couldn't go on this way, he'd said. And so it ended, with no tears or recriminations. But they were both left with a hole that nothing else could fill. He thought he'd fill it with a baby and a family and Barbara tried to fill her with endless blind dates and a futile quest for love. They only ended up punishing themselves.

When Helen had left him after the baby died, they both tried to pick up where they'd left off, but something had changed. They had changed. The life and death situations they'd been placed in over the years forged an emotional bond between them that made a return to casual sex embarrassing for them both. The both needed more but crossing the line they placed between them never seemed to be an option. So, Tommy sought out Helen again and Barbara sought out solitude. But life had other plans.

Helen died and Tommy went off the rails.


	4. Chapter 4

**Fall 2006**

Barbara was awakened around one a.m. by an incessant buzzing noise. It took a moment for her to realize that it was the ringer to her front door. She was pissed. It was probably that drunken wanker again, ringing on her bell instead of his mates a few doors down.

She pulled on her bathrobe and trudged to the door, ready to give him an earful.

She yanked the door open. "What!?"

It was him.

"'Bout time," Lynley mumbled as he pushed his way past and into her flat, reeking of booze.

It had been weeks since she'd heard from him. "Where the hell have you been?" She didn't wait for a reply, she was too angry. "And what the hell are you doing here this time of night?"

"Had to see you." He swayed on his feet a moment before movingcloser. He reached out and tried to snag her around the waist to pull her into him. She stepped back, just out of reach.

"What are you playing at?"

"I'm not playing." He yanked on the zipper of pants and almost lost his balance. "I need you Barbara."

His action sent her over the edge. "You need me? You need me for what? A quick fuck! Is that how you see me? Poor 'ole Havers, she'll settle for sloppy seconds because she can't get a man of her own!"

"C'mon Barbara, don't be like that. I'll let you handcuff me." He held out his wrists to her. "You always wanted to do that." The glassy look she saw in his eyes reminded her of all the inebriated letches she'd thrown into the drunk tank during her years as a lowly constable.

"And no safe word…how bout it?" He reached for her again, but Barbara moved behind the couch to put a physical barrier between them.

"I'm not doing this, not tonight, not with you drunk off your ass."

"But I need you," he pleaded, fumbling at his zipper again

At that moment, Barbara didn't know if she was more disgusted him or with herself. Because after all their years together, this was the first time she ever felt like a whore.

"You don't need me, _Sir_!" She snapped back at him. "You never _needed_ anyone. Not me…and especially not Helen. You used both of us. Now get out!"

The mention of her name sobered him a bit. "Don't you bring her into this!"

"Why not?" Barbara refused to back down this time. "She was always in the middle of this…whatever this is…was! She was the third person in the room whenever we were together. I think that's what excited you the most. If you hadn't felt guilty you'd never have stopped!"

He shook his head in denial and staggered back against her front door. "No… no…that's…that's not true…you…" He pointed at her and then at himself. "…I…" The drunken fog continued to lift and a moment of self realization crossed his face. His knees started to buckled and he struggled to remain standing. He managed to steady himself and when he met her gaze, Barbara could see tears on the verge of slipping out. One slipped.

"I…I never…I didn't mean…I'm sorry!" One hand flew to his mouth in a vain attempt to put back all the words he'd spoken since he arrived and the other reached behind to turn the doorknob that had been poking into his back. He stumbled out the door and out into the street.

Barbara shuddered a deep sigh and shut the door. It was now her turn to cry.


	5. Chapter 5

After the debacle at Barbara's, Tommy only managed to throw himself out of the frying pan and into the fire. He was charged with murder and they had no choice but to put aside their differences in order to save his life and his career.

They knew how to act professional; they had done it for years and gotten away with it. Only this time, a cold detachment ruled them. Lines had been crossed and feelings hurt but neither knew how to repair the damage that was done. And so they went on, as if nothing had happened. It was the only coping mechanism they had left.

Only it wasn't working. They managed to clear his name but their next case together had them blowing up at one another in front of everyone. It was easier to drive a wedge than to face the truth. But he faced it, when the case was over and they sat watching those sordid tapes.

When Barbara turned off the video his heart broke. They had hurt one another with their arrangement all those years ago; and it was now that he saw the underlying truth of it. There was an ache in his eyes as he looked at her. He wanted to reach out and take hold of her hand, to comfort her with some soothing words. But he didn't know how.

It was when she smiled at him in the car park, for the first time in ages; that he knew what he had to do. He watched her walk off and smiled to himself as he slid into his car. Tomorrow was a new day.


	6. Chapter 6

Every day was a new day for Tommy, a new day to try and fix what they'd broken so badly. He knew she'd never believe any hearts and flowers declaration that he had to offer, so he went slowly. Hell, he'd waited six years; he could wait an eternity if he had to.

He started with a look one day, a word another. A smile, a touch, or an intimate whisper. He used anything and everything he could think of to rebuild their relationship with new and happier memories. He did anything he could to get her to trust him again.

Barbara noticed the change, though not right away. She'd lived with blinders on where Tommy was concerned. It was almost six months before she noticed. And what she noticed was that he was happy. He never brooded or slipped away into his dark recesses anymore. And when had he stopped drinking? The happiness in his eyes wasn't forced and they seemed to be focused on her. When did that change? And it wasn't just his happiness; it was her own as well. She felt relaxed around him and she never worried about being on the receiving end of his foul temper anymore. Where had it gone? When had it gone? She went to bed that night with a hundred questions running through her mind and she meant to confront him about it the next day, but she never got the chance.


	7. Chapter 7

She arrived at work to find his office empty. Two hours later, he still hadn't arrived. Barbara fiddled with her phone, she wanted to call him, but she didn't want to overreact. She got her answer ten minutes later when Hillier called her into his office.

"Sergeant Havers, have a seat."

She sat, wondering what was going on.

"DI Lynley has been called away on a family emergency and I'm going to need you to fill in as acting DI for a week or two until he returns. He said you can have access to his office in his absence." Hillier pulled a key from his pocket and slid it across his desk. "This is a copy of his office key; please make sure to return it."

Barbara picked up the key, she was stunned. Hillier kept talking about their current open case and something about allocation of manpower, but all Barbara could think about was Lynley. What had happened, why hadn't he called her?

"Do you understand Sergeant?" She knew he was waiting for a reply but she was still confused. "Sergeant?"

"Sir? Yes sir. What family emergency sir?"

"It's nothing to worry you sergeant, just make sure your focus in on this case. Do I make myself clear?"

Barbara's heart sank. "Yes sir."

"I want daily updates, until then…dismissed."

She was grateful to be dismissed. She made a bee line to his office and unlocked the door. Once inside she pulled out her mobile and called him. It went straight to his voice mail.

"It's Barbara…" She didn't know what to say. "…will you call me, please?"

She hung up and sat heavily in his chair. Looking at his desk she could tell he had stopped by sometime during the night or early morning. Papers that were scattered when she left yesterday were now neatly arranged with hastily written post-it attached to each stack. Notes he'd left for her. But they were not the notes she wanted.


	8. Chapter 8

For three days she stewed, she worried and she worked her ass off. She even shocked Hillier with such a quick resolution to the case. When he said he'd put a commendation in her file she unabashedly blurted out he rather have a week off, her gave her three days.

Barbara locked up his office and practically threw the key at Hillier as she hurried to leave. Nkata snagged her before she made it out of the building.

"Barbara!"

"Winston, not now…I need to go"

"You might want to read this first." He handed her a message slip.

It was a message from Judith and her heart sank as she read it. She noticed the date on the message when she finished.

Her anguish turned to anger. "You sat on this for two days!"

"No, Barbara…listen to me, it was lost at the message center and it only came down this morning. Apparently they have some new trainees and…" She didn't wait around to hear the rest. She ran from the building and drove all night, only stopping once for gas.

She was surprised she could see well enough to drive. The tears never seemed to stop as the image of that message constantly clouded her vision.

_Fire at Howenstow. Tommy needs you. Please come. Judith_


	9. Chapter 9

She arrived to ruin. The once stately home was blackened and half of it had collapsed. She cried at the sight of it.

She wiped away her tears and opened her car door. The smell of burnt wood and damp assaulted her lungs and made her cough. There were no other cars to be seen and stillness of the early morning told her the place was deserted. Still, she proceeded past the barrier tape up to the entrance of the house. The fire had been days ago but she could still hear water dripping from the rafters, or what was left of the rafters in this part of the house. From the entrance on over, the entire east wing of the house had been gutted. With the roof now gone the main staircase seem to lead to the heavens.

She thought about going further inside, but the debris on the floor made every step treacherous. She didn't know where to go or what to do next. She hated feeling helpless. She had no idea where to find Tommy or Judith. He wasn't answering her calls and Judith didn't leave a number. She'd only left that cryptic message that had been haunting her for hours. So, when she heard the sound of tires on gravel; it made her heart leap. _Tommy!_

She made her way out and found her self confronted by a stern faced arson investigator.

"Here, what do you think you're doing in there? This building is a safety hazard. Can't you see the tape?"

Barbara flashed her badge to back him off a bit. "DS Havers, what happened here?"

The man didn't like being barked at. "Possible electrical fire." He grunted. "Still under investigation."

"Where's the family, Lady Asherton?"

"She's in the morgue and her son is in the hospital."

Barbara remembered not being able to breathe, but she never remembered fainting.


	10. Chapter 10

Barbara couldn't understand how she came to be lying on the damp ground and why the once stern faced man now looked more like concerned face man as he hovered above her.

"Are you all right?" He asked as he helped her to her feet.

"Yeah." Barbara made an excuse. "Sorry, I haven't eaten today. Got a bit dizzy."

"Starvation diets never work." He chastised her. "They'll mess with your blood sugar and you can see what happens."

Barbara held her tongue. She didn't want to explain the real reason behind why she'd fainted.

The investigator left her and went over to his truck. He opened the door and reached in to grab something off the seat. "Here," he tossed her a bag of crisps. "Eat these and you'll feel better."

'Thanks." Barbara was appreciative but she needed more information. "Do you know what hospital he was taken too?"

"The only one equipped for treating severe burns is the Hospital School in Plymouth."

_Severe burns_, she didn't need to hear that. "How far is it from here?"

"Bout an hours drive south of here."

She headed for her car.

"Hey!" He called after her. "He might not be there anymore, if he's still alive that is. They may have sent him on to London by now. Extensive third degree burns require long term specialized care. Can't get that in Plymouth."

Barbara didn't know if her heart could take any more. She needed answers, now! She left the man to his work and enclosed herself in the protection her car. She pulled out her mobile and dialed up the hospital.

"This is DS Havers with the Metropolitan Police. I'm calling to inquire after the burn patient brought in from Cornwall, last name Lynley."

"Yes, I know you can't give out patient information over the phone, I'm just calling to inquire if he is still there or if he's been transferred to London."

"Yes…ok…I see. Than you for your time."

She snapped he phone shut at threw it down into the passenger floorboard. It was not what she wanted to hear.

"_The patient is not yet stable enough to travel."_

The next hour seemed like an eternity in what was the longest drive of Barbara Havers life.


	11. Chapter 11

She was afraid to get out of the car.

Barbara had been sitting in the hospital car park for fifteen minutes, gripping the steering wheel like she still had someplace to go. But she had arrived; this was the end of the line. Deep down inside, she knew it was.

It was the ringing of her phone on the floorboard that managed to loosen the grip that she couldn't release on her own. She reached for the phone but her progress was stopped by the seat belt she had yet to unfasten. She cursed herself and struggled to undo it and to reach the mobile before it stopped ringing. She snatched it up and hastily flipped it open. The name that appeared on the screen shocked her. _DI Lynley_.

She couldn't answer it fast enough and she could hear the panicked edge in her own voice as she spoke. "Sir! Sir, where are you?"

"Barbara?" It was a woman's voice on the other end of the line.

"Who is this?" She demanded.

The voice was hesitant. "Barbara…its Judith.

"Oh god! Judith, where are you?"

"I'm at the hospital in Plymouth. Where are you? It's been days!"

"I'm so sorry!" Her voice started to break. "Your message got lost, but I'm at the hospital now. Where can I find you?"

We're on the third floor…critical care ward." Judith started crying. "Please hurry."

The call ended.

Suddenly she felt trapped in the car that moments ago she couldn't bear to leave. She grabbed her purse and flung the drivers side door open. She had pushed it so hard that it bounced back and caught her across the shin as she got out. She cursed aloud and tried to vent a days worth of anguish as she forcefully slammed it shut.

Barbara made it halfway across the car park before she realized that she had left the keys in the ignition of her car. Fuck it! Take the bloody car, she wanted to scream at the world; just don't take him!

With help from the nursing staff, Barbara managed to find her way to the critical care unit and she spied a tall brunette standing beside one of the beds. It was Judith. She wanted to go in, but seeing her standing there made it all too real. She had to force herself to put one foot in front of the other till she reached out and touched her on the shoulder.

Judith whirled round and pulled her into a desperate hug that Barbara couldn't help but return. They held on to one another, not knowing what to say; not needing to say anything, until a deep raspy voice cut through the air like a knife.

"What are you doing here?"


	12. Chapter 12

He spoke!

Barbara let go of Judith and turned to the figure lying on the bed. She wanted to look away. She couldn't recognize the body. Most of the right side was covered from head to toe in gauze and what portions of skin that remained exposed on the left were bright pink and swollen and covered in tubes and wires. His face was wrapped and only the left eye and cheekbone were visible. His hair was singed and matted and if it wasn't for the slow hiss of the respirator as it made the chest rise and fall she would have thought he was dead.

Wait. Something wasn't right…how did he …?

"What are you doing here?"

She heard him again, but still…she didn't understand.

"Barbara!" The sharp bark of her name from behind had her turning round.

Her eyes flew wide and her hands covered her mouth to keep herself from crying out.

The shrunken and haggard form she found standing behind her was almost unrecognizable. Almost.

It was Tommy.

He was unkempt, unshaven and still wearing the suit she had seen him in nearly five days ago. Barbara hurried to him as tears blurred her vision. She couldn't believe what she was seeing was real so she reached up and placed her hands on his face. She could feel him, he was real!

She looked searchingly into his eyes. "It's you!" She wanted him to look at her, she wanted that connection, but his focus was elsewhere. She slid her hands from his stubbled cheeks and pulled him into a hug. "Dear god! I thought it was you in the bed." She held tight and waited to feel his arms around her. They never came.

Instead, his hands gripped her shoulders and he pushed her from him. "It should have been me." It was all he said before he walked away and slumped down into a chair.

Barbara looked from him and then to Judith as she gestured towards the bed. "I don't understand….who…"

Judith was the one to answer her. "It's Peter."


	13. Chapter 13

"What are you doing here?" .

Barbara couldn't believe he was asking her that question again. She stood there, still in a daze over her discovery. She didn't know if she should answer him or ask a few of her own.

Judith answered for her. "I called her."

Tommy frantically patted his coat pockets checking for his phone and Judith held it out to him. "I told you not to!" He slapped the phone from her hand. It hit the floor with a loud crack and clattered across the room.

"You don't get to do this Tommy! Barbara's like family, you can't shut her out!"

He rose from his chair in a fury.

"I can do what I damn well please! I don't need any more family, I've already destroyed enough of this one! So get out!" He pointed at the door. "Both of you!"

They both stood there, in shock over his vehemence towards them.

He was shaking. "Now!"

Judith grabbed Barbara's arm and pulled her from the room. There was nothing to be done. Not now.

Barbara was numb and Judith was in tears, but somehow they made their way to the hospital café. Teas were ordered and seats were taken, all in silence. They sat that way for some time. Both trying to recuperate and regroup the best they could.

Barbara was the one to break the silence.

"What happened, Judith?"

Judith wiped her eyes and took in a sharp breath. "They believe it was an electrical fire. There had been problems with the wiring in the east wing, power cutting out and such."

"But your mother and Peter? How"

"Best they've been able to piece together is that mother was asleep upstairs and Peter had been out late at the local pub. The house must have been on fire when he got home. He made the 999 call."

"How did he get…?"

"Burned?" Judith finished Barbara's question. "He went in to save her."

Barbara put her hand on Judith's to comfort her. "I'm so sorry."

"Tommy blames himself or course, head of the house and all."

"It's not his fault." Barbara defended. "How could he know there would be a fire?"

Judith wasn't finished. "Mother called him. Two days before the fire. He knew about the electrical problem and she wanted him to come out and meet with the contractor. But you two were tied up with that double murder in Liverpool. He said it would have to wait. So, she called Peter instead."

Barbara dropped her head into her hands. "Christ!"


	14. Chapter 14

As Barbara sat there, head in hands; she knew one thing. She couldn't go through this again. Watching him fall apart and hoping that over time he wouldn't self destruct.

She pushed her chair back from the table. Judith watched her stand up. "Where are you going?"

"I'm going to talk to him."

"Barbara, don't. You know what he's like."

"Yeah, well I'm going to stop him before he starts this time. Or give it a damn good try. I don't want you to lose him too."

Judith gave her a knowing look. So, Barbara conceded. "You're right. I don't want to lose him either."

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When she returned to the ward Barbara found Tommy asleep in his chair. His head was tilted awkwardly to one side. He had to be exhausted to be sleeping like that, so she decided not to wake him. She found another chair in the ward, set it next to him and settled in to wait.

Tommy awoke several hours later when a nurse rolled a cart in to tend to Peter. When he moved to get up he felt a weight on his arm. He looked down and saw a hand, Barbara's hand. He sat back into his chair and stared at her sleeping face.

He was still staring thirty minutes later when the nurse rolled the cart back out. It roused Barbara this time and her eyes fluttered open.

She woke to find him staring at her. The look in his eyes made her heart ache. She couldn't help it, she took the hand she had rested on his arm and put it to his face.

"I'm so sorry." She whispered.

He closed his eyes. "Don't."

He pulled her hand away and stood up.

She thought that some sleep may have changed him. It hadn't.

"Don't." She repeated back to him. "Don't what? Care? How can I not? You think I don't have feelings?"

He moved to the end of Peter's bed. "Course not." He replied brusquely.

"Then let me help?"

"No, I've got this."

"Yeah, right…dealing alone worked so well for you before."

He gripped the end of Peter's bed tightly with his hands, but wouldn't face her again. "Get out."

"Fine. I'll go, but not before I've had my say."

Irritated, he rubbed at his brow and grumbled through a clenched jaw. "Then say it!"

She let him get under her skin. "God, you're a piece of work! Everything isn't about you! Everything does or does not happen because of you! This is not your fault!"

She watched him shake his head.

'You know what I just realized…You're not even sorry that Helen and your mother are dead. You're just sorry that you're not."

He turned on her and roughly grabbed her arm as anger reddened his eyes.

"How dare you!"

"How dare I? Because it's true...because you're afraid to live!" She blurted this out without thinking. She yanked her arm free. "God! Why hadn't I seen it before? You're afraid!"

He backed away from her accusation.

"You've always been afraid…of Helen, your mother…your responsibilities to your family."

A realization suddenly came to her. "You're even afraid of me!"

Tommy backed into the end of the bed and his knees buckled. He tried to support himself on the footboard but he slid to the floor.

Barbara walked over and kneeled down next to him, her voice breaking as she spoke her truths. "I don't care if you hate me after this…but you need to grow up and stop being so afraid. Your brother and your sister need you now. Not a week from now…not a month from now, or whenever when you decide to get over this self pity of yours. They love you and they need you now!" She reached out and brushed a lock of disheveled hair from his downcast eyes. "And so do I."

With that last admission, Barbara ran from the room, almost knocking over Judith on her way out.

When Tommy looked up in time to see her disappear around the corner; there were tears in his eyes.


	15. Chapter 15

Barbara may have run away that day, but she couldn't walk away. She kept tabs on him as best she could.

With Tommy taking a leave of absence from work, Hillier promoted Barbara to DI. It was what she always wanted, but she felt like she'd gotten it on default and not on merit. Still, she threw herself into her new responsibility. She was now teamed up with DS Nkata. Working closely with him was an easy transition, but she constantly found herself missing Tommy.

It was almost a month later when she got the call from Judith that she had been dreading. Peter had died. She had heard thru Judith that Tommy had spent every day at the hospital helping to care for his brother. His burns had been healing, but when pneumonia set in his body couldn't cope.

Barbara was worried how Tommy would cope. Judith said he had kept it together after her accusations at the hospital. But that could easily change.

She attended Peter's funeral, keeping to the back of the church and standing well behind Tommy in the churchyard. She didn't want to add to his emotions that day so she slipped away as soon as the services ended.

She had watched him at the graveside. He looked older and less regal. But what did she expect to see? Life had kicked the shit out of him. At least he was still standing. She wondered how long it would last?

Weeks after the funeral there was still no word from Hillier as to when he might return to work. Her case load was hectic and Judith had flown back to her husband in the states, so Barbara no loner had any idea how Tommy was doing.

She found herself driving past his flat almost every day. His car was there so that meant he was there too. She would return sometimes at night to see if the lights were on or off, just to make sure he was ok. Then one day his car was gone. A week later it was still gone. That's when she decided to go inside.

She still had a key to his flat. He still must have the one to hers too. It had been so long ago, she'd forgotten.

As she turned his key in the lock, she was afraid at what she might find inside. What she did find surprised her.

There was nothing.

Nothing out of the ordinary. No empty liquor bottles, no dirty dishes in the sink or piles of unkempt laundry. Even the bed was made. She popped her head into the bathroom. She didn't see a toothbrush, but she saw something else that caught her eye and she slipped it into her pocket. She didn't know what to think. Should she be worried, should she be relieved? She did know one thing though, there was no reason to stay so she locked up and headed home.

The next few days were frustrating for Barbara. Calls to and from Judith yielded no answers. She said he wasn't answering her calls. She promised Barbara she'd keep trying to reach him and that she would call as soon as she heard anything.

The next day at work Barbara found herself brooding in her office. Here she was; a police detective in one of the world's state of the art police facilities and she could do nothing to find him. Tracking phone or bank records all had to be done though "the proper channels" with the proper forms all signed and notarized. She realized she couldn't even spit anymore without having to fill out a biological hazard incident report. She sighed and stared out into the incident room. When had policing become so anal?

She left work at six and stopped on her way home for a curry take out. It was another ten minutes before she made it home and the curry aroma that filled her car made her ravenous. She let herself in and tossed the curry down on her table and slung her purse across the back of the chair. As she reached in to pull the steaming container out of its bag, something caught her eye.

There in the middle of her table was the cologne bottle she'd taken from his apartment days ago. She didn't remember putting it there. She had put it on her nightstand the day she brought it home.

She picked up the bottle and started to head to her bedroom, when a familiar deep voice coming from her sitting room shocked her.

"Hope you don't mind if I let myself in?"

The back of her couch was to the dining room and all she could see was his head, and his hand raised above it. He was holding her key.


	16. Chapter 16

Tommy stood as she came into the sitting room. She was holding his cologne bottle and still looked in shock from when he'd first spoken. He wanted to pull her into a hug but stopped himself at the last moment. He squeezed her arms instead as he leaned in and gave her a welcoming peck on he cheek.

Barbara noticed that he had managed to lose some of the years she had seen on him at Peter's funeral. He looked happy. "What are you doing here?"

Part of Tommy cringed when he heard those words. They were the same ones he'd spat at her in the hospital all those months ago.

'I wanted to see you and…" He was scared to say what he wanted to say. He needed to wait a bit. "…and to return you key," he added as an afterthought. The way it sounded made him groan inwardly as he set the key down on her coffee table.

She didn't care about the key. "Where have you been?"

"Cornwall."

"What were you doing there?"

"Supervising a project"

"What project?" Barbara suddenly realized she sounded like she was interrogation him.

"Well, if you'll have a seat I'll tell you about it." He motioned her to the armchair she was already standing in front of as he sat back down on her couch. She was staring and he was smiling.

She took her seat and leaned forward to set the cologne bottle down on the coffee table that separated them. "So?" She prompted.

'I was supervising the salvaging and of Howenstow."

"So you're rebuilding?"

"No, it wasn't that kind of salvaging. I had it razed. But since the house was centuries old, most of it was repurposed to other estates in Cornwall that were in need of repairs."

Barbara's eyes went wide. "I'm sorry."

"I'm not. I'm glad to be rid of it. In fact, I'll be rid of the entire thing in a few more weeks, all adjoining lands, estate and title. You are looking at the last Lord of Asherton."

Barbara was shocked by his decision. "But why?"

"It's been an albatross around our family's neck for years. Even my father didn't want to live there. He wanted to immigrate to the states when he was a young man, but pressure from his father kept him here. All that family duty, passing on the title and such. It ate at him from the inside. If he hadn't died of cancer he would have died soon enough from his broken dreams."

"I didn't realize." She didn't realize how difficult it must have been for Tommy to try and leave that world behind only to get pulled back in by his family and to have it shoved in his face by his coworkers.

"Doesn't matter anymore. From now on I'm just plain old Thomas Lynley."

"Detective Inspector Thomas Lynley," Barbara quipped.

"Well," he smiled at her, "that's one title I'm not about to relinquish."

It was good to see her laugh.

"So you sold everything?"

"No, as a matter of fact I didn't sell anything. Judith and I both agreed, and yes I asked her not to tell you, that the lands be given in trust to a conservation society dedicated to returning them back to their natural state. They just finished taking out all the gardens two days ago."

"Wow." It was all she could think to say.

"That's about how it looks now. If it wasn't for the driveway that they are leaving till the project is finished, I wouldn't have recognized the place anymore."

It was hard for her to imagine that beautiful estate gone, like it never existed. But looking at him now sitting across from her, he truly seemed happy, like a man with no burdens.

Silence crept into their conversation as they sat looking at one another. She could see him fidget, like he wanted to say something. Moments later he did.


	17. Chapter 17

She could tell he was nervous as he spoke.

"Look, Barbara…part of the reason I came by tonight…apart from letting you know where I've been…is that…well we…" His perfectly crafted speech was becoming muddled as his nerves kicked in. "I just wanted us to…" No! It was coming out all wrong. Somehow he panicked and jumped to the middle of it.

He picked up a small duffle bag that had been sitting beside the couch just out of view and Barbara almost jumped out of her chair at the sight of it. He set it down in the middle of the table.

It was their bag! Their bag of toys! It had been stuffed into the back of her closet for how long now? That's how the cologne wound up on the table. He'd been her bedroom! Why was it sitting on the table? Her heart was pounding. She didn't understand where he was going with this.

"Barbara, I think there is something we need to do."

"What?" She spat out without thinking. Did she just hear him right? "What did you say?"

He began to panic. He wasn't good at this sort of stuff, not around her. He could tell by her face he was messing it up.

"I want us to start over." He blurted out.

"You want us to what! Be fuck buddies again!" She shot up from her chair. I don't believe this!". This was what she always feared to be true.

Oh crap! What just happened? She misunderstood! He tried to calm her, wave her back into her seat. "No! Barbara, please sit, I just want to…"

She went off on him again and this time she didn't stop. "Well that says it all doesn't it. This is all about what you want, what you need! I'm so tired of it! I can't do it anymore!" Tears were joining into her tirade.

Frantically he tried to explain again. "Barbara, please…"

She rounded on him, years of pent up frustration coming out unfiltered.

"Please?" She interrupted again. "Please!" "Well at least this time you're not drunk off your ass. At least this time you're asking nicely! Do you make all your women feel like whores or is it something you save especially for me?"

"Dammit, Babara would you just… !" He thought yelling back would help. It didn't.

His yelling sent her into a blind rage. "Get out!" She screamed at him. He took a step towards her. She stepped behind her chair and bumped into her shelf unit.

Tommy saw her hand pick up one of her mother's Hummel figurines and she threw it at his head. It just missed and shattered somewhere in the kitchen.

He softened his plea. "Barbara please!" Christ, who was this woman in front of him; and how had he not seen how much he'd been hurting her all these years?

"Get out!" She screamed and threw a paperback book this time. It hit him square in the chest .

"Please, don't!" He pleaded as he backed towards the door.

"Get out!" A heavy potted plant crashed into the floor where he'd just been standing.

His heart ached as he heard more of his words from the hospital being hurled at him again.

God! What have I done?

His back was against the door but he didn't want to leave. Not like this. He needed to make it right, so say the right thing.

She didn't seem to be able to stop. She kept on yelling and throwing. Another Hummel smashed against the door next to his face and a shard cut him on the cheek.

That last object had someone banging on her door.

"What's going on in there? Is everything alright?"

He knew he had to leave, but he had to say something, anything. He couldn't leave it like this.

He held his hand out in front in defense and in surrender. "I going! I'm going!"

This plea halted her next throw, but not her demand. "Get out!"

"Please listen Barbara, I've messed up! It's not what you think!"

The five pound snow globe she hurled next forced him out the door.


	18. Chapter 18

It took Barbara hours to calm down. She could only remember one other time she had been so angry in her life, and Tommy had been there to comfort her afterwards. This time, he had been the cause of her rage. She didn't like losing control like that. She could barley remember any of the things she had spat at him, and almost nothing of what he said. She did remember the one thing that set her off. _He wanted to start over! _He'd put the bag on the table and asked her to start over. _How could he! _

Now, she just wanted to forget. She grabbed the duffle bag off the table and stormed out the door. She headed to the property's facilities. She'd helped the maintenance crew with a vandalism problem a few months back and she knew where they hid a spare key. She needed access to the incinerator. She wanted the bag and everything in it gone.

Barbara thought getting rid of the bag would excise him from her flat, but she had done something that made it nearly impossible. Though she never noticed it before she left, she couldn't help but notice when she returned... and it almost overwhelmed her.

There on the floor was the bottle of cologne she had thrown at him. It was in pieces and now he was everywhere. Barbara carefully picked up every shard, and she cried all night long on her hands and knees as she frantically tried to scrub the smell from her memory.


	19. Chapter 19

Luckily for Tommy the neighbor beating on her door recognized him as being a fellow police officer of Barbara's. He assured the man that she was fine, and that it was just a misunderstanding.

He couldn't get to his car fast enough and once inside he rested his head against the steering wheel. _Misunderstanding!_ That was a hell of an understatement! How had he managed to cock it up so badly? Talking about the simple things had gone so well, but when it came time to talk about them, what really mattered, he got all flustered and…Oh god! The revelation jolted him upright.

He had heard everything Barbara said to him at the hospital, but he only believed half of what she'd said. He was never afraid! Of anyone or anything. Yes, he _was_ sorry he hadn't died, and he knew Peter and Judith needed him and that he needed to be there for them. He also believed her when she said she loved and needed him. It was that knowledge most of all that kept him from losing it.

But tonight in her sitting room, the way he stumbled around trying to express his feelings for her; he realized…he _was_ afraid! He was afraid of her! He was afraid of everything about her. Her bluntness, her prejudices, her strength and her caring, the way she spoke and dressed and carried herself, he'd never known anyone like her… and it scared him. How could he ever measure up? Hell, she was even a better Detective than he was.

Tommy drove away with all her past and present accusations fighting for attention inside his head. _"You're afraid to live!" "…it's all about what you want..!" "You've always been afraid…of Helen, of your mother!"_ _"Do you make all your women feel like whores or is it something you save especially for me_?" That last one still shocked him the most. Did she really believe that? How could he have ever let it come to this? Why was he always hurting the ones he loved? And why was he so afraid?

He drove around blindly, looking for elusive answers at every turn, searching shop windows at every light, hoping to find a store selling the enlightenment he so desperately needed. But there was nothing. Struggling to cope, he pulled over and parked in front of the one place that used to help. It wasn't familiar with the pub, but it was busy and it was loud and he needed desperately to forget.


	20. Chapter 20

Barbara was back at work the next day and she was dreading Tommy's return. They wouldn't be working together now that she had been promoted, but she would still have to see him day in and day out. Just thinking about it had her stomach in a knot. Time spent at her desk was mostly time spent thinking about what had happened.

She still couldn't escape from thoughts of him at home. That damn smell still lingered and the indentation that snow globe left in the parquet flooring near the front door was clearly visible. She was still crying over the Hummel figurines she'd broken. She didn't realize she was throwing them at the time. They were some of the few things she had left of her mothers, and now they were gone. Damn him! She threw her pen down and gave up on her paperwork. She needed a distraction, so she went to find Nkata to see if he had any new leads.

Over the next week Barbara threw herself into the field and she left the desk work to Nkata. He was better at it anyway and it kept her from brooding. She rarely even went home and by the following week she had not only solved a drug related murder, a carjacking, and a missing persons case, she also helped DI Tucker with the complex abduction/ double homicide case that had been frustrating him for weeks. She was shocked when she saw her closure rate on Hillier's weekly posting. He called her into his office the next day.

It wasn't all praise. He did congratulate her on her hard work, but he also reminded her of office politics and teamwork. And that a one woman show was not conducive to a team. She apologized and assured him that was not her intention. He assured her that he understood but told her to be careful in the future.

"And speaking of the future," he added. "I have an offer for you to consider." He pulled a manila folder from his center desk drawer and handed it to her. What she read inside was the answer to all her problems.


	21. Chapter 21

It was nearly another month before Tommy returned to work, and it was a month well spent. He'd found a woman who changed his life.

Nkata couldn't help but notice the spring in his step, he looked well for a man who'd had more that his fair share of tragedy.

"Morning boss."

"Morning Nkata. How are things?"

"Big brother installed cameras in the offices last week." He pointed to the smooth black sphere mounted to the ceiling just above his head. "Now I'm even afraid to pick my nose round here."

Tommy laughed and sat on the corner of Nkata's desk. It felt like a good place to catch up on what's happened since his absence…but Winston wouldn't let him.

"Don't get comfortable there. Hillier told me to send you in soon as I'd seen you."

"Blast! I wanted to ease back in, not get thrown in."

He slapped Nkata on the back as he slid off his desk. "I'll catch up with you later Winston."

"Yeah."

As he made his way to Hillier's office, he kept an eye out for Barbara. He didn't want to make his return awkward for her and he didn't want a repeat of their last meeting, especially not at work. It would be bad for them both.

He never saw her and he relaxed a little as he tapped on the chief superintendents door.

"Come!"

One thing hadn't changed in his absence. Hillier's door still squeaked. The sound gave him a chill down his spine every time he heard it.

"Sir." He acknowledged as he approached.

"Tommy, good to have you back with us. Have a seat." He waved towards the chairs in front of his desk with the gold pen he was holding and then went back filling out a form. "Won't be a moment."

Tommy's eyes wandered around the mostly sterile office while he waited. There were no family photos, no personal mementos, and looking back to the man's desk; no clutter. His eyes made it back to Hillier in time to see him sign the document he'd been working on. He used a slow precise hand and then ended with a flourish. Then he reached over and picked up a blotter and rolled it over his name. Tommy tried hard not to roll his eyes. Who blotted an ink pen? It was so pretentious.

Pen down, Hiller now focused on Tommy.

"So, everything sorted Tommy. You are back with us for good now"

"Yes sir."

"Good, that's good, because I need you. We're already short a DI since Havers transferred and we're starting to get a backlog."

Wait. What did he just say? He thought he must have misheard, especially as Hiller kept on talking.

"Nkata will be your DS. He'll bring you up to date on the current open cases and I'll siphon some of the load over to you tomorrow. DI Tucker had been a little overwhelmed this week and…."

"What did you say?" Tommy almost demanded as he leaned forward in earnest.

Hillier looked confused. "Excuse me?"

"I'm sorry sir, but Havers….what did you say about Havers?"

"She transferred to Brentford two weeks ago. I just assumed she told you."

He was stunned. "No…no she didn't."

"Well I couldn't keep her here Tommy; her closure rate while you were gone was nearly eighty five percent. Results like that get noticed and Brentwood needed a strong DI to replace DI Barlow who is retiring at the end of the month."

Tommy slumped back into his chair. "I see."

Hillier considered the question answered and continued on with his briefing. It was another twenty minutes before Tommy could flee to the safety of his own office.

He had wanted to give Barbara some space before they met again, but he had waited too long. Now there was thirty miles of space between them.


	22. Chapter 22

Barbara hated dressing up. She always felt like a fraud. Why couldn't they ever have a come as you are ceremony? She felt much more herself in jeans and pullover than the ever could in some fancy frock, even if her fancy frock was just a simple, tailored black dress.

It was the end of the year awards ceremony and she couldn't back out; she was a recipient. Damn it, why did she have to lose herself in her work? Highest closure rate of any officer in the Met, is how Hillier phrased it. Why couldn't she have just lost herself in a gallon of ice cream like most women?

Barbara turned to look at herself in the mirror, and was surprised by what she saw. Her cheekbones were more pronounced and her neck looked longer. Her curves were even more defined, especially at the waist. Her long hours were taking their toll. She'd lost almost a stone in the last month, eating only when someone reminded her and rarely sleeping. Sleeping meant dreaming, and she couldn't seem to avoid him in her dreams.

She sighed heavily and turned away to gather her purse and keys. It was time to head to the dog and pony show.

She arrived fifteen minutes before the start and made her way to the recipients chairs located on the front row. She was proud of her accomplishments but she never liked to flaunt them. This ceremony did just that…to everyone. But what choice did she have, Hillier had called her in Brentford and insisted she attend. She thought she had been rid of him too.

The ceremony was two long hours of boredom punctuated by the brief moment in which she made her way to the stage to receive her plaque. She surprised herself by not tripping and falling in her heels and was soon back to the safety of her seat. _Thank god that was over! _Now all she had to do was put in a showing at the reception. Shake a few hands, thank Hillier and be on her way.

She didn't see too many people she knew at the reception. DCI Collier, her boss in Brentford was there, she knew he would be. She recognized one of the prick DI's from Yorkshire and of course there was Chief Superintendent Hillier, but that was about it. She had hoped to make a quick exit, but there were a surprising number of people who wanted to congratulate her on her impressive closure rate, and who wanted to poach her to other departments. She even thought she was being hit on by a few men. A couple of glasses of wine from the open bar relaxed her and she suddenly fancied staying on thru dinner and cocktails

She was seated next to her new boss, and after dinner and they talked shop in between all the men stopping by to ask her to dance. She wasn't used to all this attention. As she sat down from her last trip around the dance floor, her head was spinning and her face felt flush. She really needed to sit the next one out.

She traded her wine for water and tried unsuccessfully to fan herself with her napkin. She was surprised what a really good time she was having. It was starting to get late and the crowds were thinning out. She let her eye wander and really looked at the people that were left. They were her people, her crowd. Tonight was the first time she ever felt like she really belonged. She was glad she came.


	23. Chapter 23

Barbara's happiness was short lived. Her eyes soon found a familiar face sitting at one of the tables. It was Tommy. It was Tommy in animated conversation with a beautiful brunette seated to his right. He was smiling, she was laughing and Barbara was panicking.

She was right to panic. Tommy caught her staring and now he was smiling in her direction. He made a move to get up. She'd drunk too much wine for a coherent conversation and she didn't want to deal with him, even if he only wanted to congratulate her, not tonight, so she bolted for the safety of the ladies room. She locked herself in a stall and waited.

She didn't know how long she waited; she wanted enough time to pass so that he would get the message and leave. It seemed like an eternity. She could only sit and listen as women came and went. Toilets flushed and hands were washed. Finally, she couldn't sit any longer. The stall door squealed as she opened it. There was a woman standing at the multi-sink vanity and Barbara joined her. She needed to make sure her face was still presentable. Other than the visible stress in her eyes, she still looked fine. She was about to leave when the woman next to her spoke.

"You're Barbara Havers." It wasn't a question.

Barbara didn't turn, but looked at the woman in the mirror. She was shocked to see the beautiful brunette who'd been sitting with Tommy.

She didn't know what to say to the woman, so she said nothing.

The woman kept talking. "I'm Charlotte Spencer; I'm a friend of Tommy's.

Barbara gave a light snort at the word friend.

"Look…," the woman turned from the mirror to face her, "…I don't mean to corner you in here but I need to talk to you for a moment, if that's alright with you?"

Barbara turned to face her and crossed her arms defensively. "Go on."

"You need to talk to him."

Again, she had no reply, so she tried to leave, but the woman stepped back in front of her and the door.

"Please wait."

Barbara was tempted to smack her aside, but backed up and resumed her defensive position instead.

The woman continued. "You mean the world to him."

She shook her head at this notion.

The woman opened her clutch and began digging around inside as she kept speaking. "Tommy's told me all about you and I'd…"

Barbara riled at that revelation. "I bet you two had a right laugh didn't you!" This time she physically pushed the woman aside.

"No… Barbara wait!" Her hand emerged from the clutch holding onto a business card. "You don't understand. I only want to help."

As Barbara pulled open the door, the woman snagged her free hand and shoved her card into it.

"You need to talk to one of us!" She pleaded as Barbara ran blindly from the Ladies room.


	24. Chapter 24

She ran out the door and right into Tommy. He grabbed hold of her to keep them both from toppling over. Barbara hadn't seen who she'd run into, but when she look up to apologize; she couldn't believe it was him. She tried desperately to pull away but he held her fast.

"Barbara!"

"Let go!"

'I will if you'll just stop!"

She stopped struggling and stood rock still, eyes to his chest and not his face.

As soon as he let go she tried to go round. Tommy grabbed her by an arm and pulled her in close. He put his other hand behind her head and kissed her.

She didn't respond, at first. After a moment he felt her start to give in, but just a quickly she pulled away and stung him with a sharp slap to his face.

"That's not allowed!"

Tommy rubbed where she had struck him. "This has nothing to do with our bloody rules!"

The kiss, the slap and the argument had people staring.

"Then what is this, huh? Some sort of sick game? You send your girlfriend to talk to me. What's that all about?"

"She isn't my girlfriend!"

"Oh, so she's just another friend with benefits then, is that it?"

About the time Barbara uttered that phrase, Charlotte appeared on the scene and right behind her was Hillier.

Tommy was becoming exasperated with her. He pushed back is coat, one hand on his hip and the other rubbing in frustration across his forehead.

"Damn it, woman! What is it with you? I can't say anything without you misconstruing ever word I say!"

"Well I'm sorry I'm so stupid!"

"I didn't say…!"

Hillier took this moment to butt in. "I don't know what's going on with you two, but you need to take this outside. You're causing a scene."

"Gladly." Barbara replied and stepped back.

Tommy grabbed her arm again and she struggled to get free. "Let go of me!"

"Tommy!" Hillier barked at him.

He turned on his boss. "Piss off!" He yelled without thinking. Distracted, he felt Barbara pull free. He turned back in time to see her fleeing out the door.

Charlotte put a hand on his arm to get his attention. "Let her go Tommy. You're both too angry to talk tonight. Things will be clearer tomorrow."

"I can't let her go Charlotte. Not this time."

_Good or bad_, he thought as he ran after her; _this had to end…tonight!_


	25. Chapter 25

He caught up to her in the car park. Barbara could hear footsteps running towards her and she hurriedly fumbled to unlock the door to her car. She succeeded and tugged the door open only to have it shoved closed on her. She spun round on him.

"Go away!"

He reached out and grabbed the car keys from her hand. "No."

She tried to snatch them back but he held them over his head. Barbara crossed her arms and leaned back against her car. "Well I see we've reached the mature part of the evening."

Tommmy brought his hand down and put her keys into his front pants pocket.

"Well, you're one to be talking about maturity…always running away."

She had no response to that so she just stood there with her arms crossed and eyes to the ground. He moved in closer and placed both hands on her car, trapping her in between.

"You need to stop running Barbara. We need to talk."

"There's nothing to talk about." She ducked under his arm and moved away.

"There's plenty to talk about. We can start by talking about what happened in your apartment."

"We both know what happened there!"

"We both know what you think happened there, but Barbara I got it all wrong that night and then you misunderstood…"

"Oh, so it was all my fault?"

"No! Barbara would you just listen and stop trying to read something into everything I try to say to you. God woman! Trying to talk to you infuriates me to no end!"

"Then why don't you give me my keys and go back to your girlfriend, I'm sure she's a much better conversationalist, or is she the type that doesn't need to say much?"

He wanted to shake some sense into her but shook his fists instead. "She's not my bleedin' girlfriend; she's my therapist!"

Barbara snorted. "Yeah right, tell me another one."

Tommy unclenched his fists and threw his hands in the air. "I give up! I can't win with you!"

He dug his hand into his pocket. "Here!" He threw the keys at her, turned and walked away.

Barbara missed catching them and they wound up under her car. She found it awkward getting to the ground in her dress and heels but soon managed. Pebbles and grit dug into her palms and knees. She snatched the keys and pulled herself up. It was when she went to dust herself off that she noticed it, the crumpled business card still in her left hand. She held it up in the meager lamplight. It was upside down. She flipped it round.

It read, _Charlotte Spencer Licensed Therapist._

Barbara quickly scanned the parking lot for Tommy, but he was gone.


	26. Chapter 26

Barbara sat in her car outside Tommy's flat. She'd been there for some time looking at Charlotte's business card and thinking about all the incredibly thoughtless things she'd said that evening. She wanted desperately to take it all back, to rewind the clock and stop it at the kiss. He had kissed her, after all these years! And she had slapped him.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid."

Banging her head against the steering wheel and mumbling to herself did little to help but she kept on anyway. Until a tap on her window and a familiar voice startled her.

"You'll give yourself a bruise."

She stopped punishing herself and just rested her hands and head on the steering wheel.

Tommy opened her door and extended his hand. She had no choice but to take it. When she stepped out he pulled her into a hug. Barbara didn't fight him, she held on instead.

"I'd invite you in for a cup of tea, but I need you to do one thing first."

She pulled back and looked him in the eye. "What?"

"I need you to shut up."

She started to balk. "Why should I…?"

Tommy held up a finger to stop her. Barbara was tired of fighting, so she capitulated by running her fingers across her mouth like a zipper.

He smiled at her action and slid his arm round her shoulder. "Come on in, I have a lot to say."


	27. Chapter 27

Once inside Tommy settled Barbara into the sitting room and went off to make the tea he'd promised her. As soon as he left the room she was up and pacing. She was going to bugger it up again, she just knew it. It was what she seemed to be best at.

Tommy returned with their tea and he found Barbara biting off her thumbnail and staring off into space.

"Here," he passed her a cup. "Sit down and drink this and try to relax."

He let her sit and drink some of her tea before he spoke again.

"What made you decide to come and see me?"

Barbara still held onto the crumpled business card and she set it down on his coffee table. He picked it up and glanced at it. "I told you, not my girlfriend."

"Sorry." She didn't know what else to say so she sipped more tea.

He tossed the card back down on the table and that's when she noticed the unopened bottle of scotch and the empty glass. She pointed her tea cup at them.

"Did I interrupt you?"

"Yes, and no. I bought it on my way home and I've been staring at it for the last twenty minutes. I was about to call Charlotte when I saw you pull up. She's been helping me improve my coping skills. It's not been easy, especially when …"

He held his tongue but she knew what he was going to say. "…_dealing with you."_

She wanted to give a sharp retort, but if he could keep from drinking then she could shut up for as long as he needed her to.

"I actually met her the night you tried to kill me with that snow globe. I drove round for a while after I left your place, hating myself and cursing you before stopping off at a pub. I went in to get pissed and found myself in the middle of a bachlorette party. I wound up sitting at the bar next to Charlotte. I think she saw my mood and she got me to talking. I drank and talked about you for hours. I don't remember how I got home; she must have called me a cab. But I woke up on my couch the next morning with one hell of a hangover and her card in my hand."

Barbara finished her tea and set her cup down. "I wasn't trying to kill you."

"You might still want to…Barbara, that night…"

"You don't have to explain."

'But I do! Barbara that night…I wanted to apologize."

"Apologize?"

"For not being honest with you all those years ago and for pushing you into our arrangement."

"You didn't…"

He held up a hand to stop her. "Please let me finish before you say that. It's important Barbara, and you'll probably hate me after I say this…but I've been in love with you since I met you."

She was astounded. It was the last thing she expected to hear and he was right, it did hurt. She couldn't help the tears.

"But why didn't you say?"

"Because you were right, I was afraid, Barbara. I was afraid of you. I was afraid of living, of what others might think. It all seems so petty now, but I let my upbringing win out over my heart. You weren't posh and sophisticated like Deborah and Helen and I had an image to uphold. But I still wanted you Barbara; I didn't want to lose you. That's why I got close to you, that's why I kept inviting you in while I was showering. I wanted something to happen and I kept pushing you till it did."

It was all too much. Barbara sat there, stunned into silence now. She didn't know if she should feel hurt, angry or sad. They all seemed to meld into a profusion of more tears.

"I'm so sorry Barbara. I wanted to tell you all of this that night. I wanted us to throw away that bag and for us to start over. But... I got scared... and everything came out all wrong." Her tears broke his heart. He could only cry with her and ask for her forgiveness.

"I'm so sorry Barbara…I'm…so sorry."


	28. Chapter 28

Barbara didn't run away. She couldn't, she felt just as guilty as he did and his tears only made her feel worse. As she dried her eyes she noticed he was losing his hold on his cup of tea and the amber liquid was spilling out and pooling at his feet. She stood up quickly and took it from him before he dropped it and set it down on the table.

He looked down and apologized for the spill. "Don't", she said as she moved him to the couch. He sat and rested his elbows on his knees and his head in his hands and waited. He waited for her tirade, her anger her yelling. But nothing came. He looked to his right to make sure she was still next to him and found her anxiously biting her thumbnail again.

She noticed he was looking. "It's not all your fault," she said.

"Course it is."

"No. It's not. I knew from the beginning that I was never your type. We were from different worlds and yours scared me. People would have laughed at us back then, even I laughed at the thought of us. But I fancied you Tommy, and then I fell in love with you. That's what kept me around all these years and had me agreeing to our arrangement. I was willing to take what I could get and that makes what I did to myself even worse. So, I'm sorry too; I'm just as much to blame."

He ran his hands down his face and leaned back into the couch. "God! What a pair we are."

She also leaned back. "I couldn't agree more."

They both realized that neither of them had benefited from their arrangement, and that they had both used one another for all the wrong reasons.

"We let our pride and our prejudices get in the way of what really mattered Barbara.

He saw a tiny smile pull at her lips. "Someone should write a book about us, sir."

He snorted a laugh. "I believe they already have, several in fact."

They both smied and really looked at one another. They had made it through the worst and managed to find some levity to pull them back together.

He reached across the back of the couch and his fingertips just reached her shoulder. He touched her lightly. "So now what?"

Barbara knew what she wanted. "You could kiss me again…properly this time."

"Oh." He moved closer. "That wasn't proper."

"I believe I already answered that."

He rubbed at his cheek. "Yeah, about that…"

She playfully slapped the other side. "Shut up and kiss me."

He was tentative at first. They had never really kissed before. It was one of two rules to their arrangement. No kissing and no intercourse. They had their fun, but neither had wanted to risk anything more intimate. They had both been too afraid.

They weren't afraid now, and it didn't take long for their tentative kiss to become intense as years of pent up passions were released. Foreplay was new to them, and they were new to each other. They touched, kissed and caressed, each reveling in the intimacy they'd denied themselves for so long.

Tommy's hand eventually found its way under her shirt and she moaned into their kiss as he squeezed her breast.

He broke their kiss and she felt his breath hot in her ear. "Let me make love to you Barbara."

She couldn't pull him close enough. "Please Tommy!"

He slid his hand from under her shirt and offered it to her as he stood up. Barbara grabbed hold and held on tightly as he led her to the bedroom.


	29. Chapter 29

Barbara was frantic as she undressed him but Tommy was slow and attentive; he wanted to kiss her everywhere and he tried to as he undressed her. Barbara's body blushed under his attention, and she couldn't help but laugh when he got to her feet. She was ticklish and she had more spots that he soon discovered. There was the back of her knee, the bend of her hip, the inside of her elbow and that tiny dip behind her ear. Her laughter made him smile and his lips made her body tingle.

When his lips made it back to hers, she pulled him in close. She wanted to feel his hardness pressing up against her. He pulled her in tighter and they both moaned in anticipation. He was hot against her belly as they rubbed against one another, kissing madly.

Barbara quickly gave into her desire and wrapped her free leg around him. Tommy couldn't wait either. He pulled away from her and yanked open the top drawer of his nightstand and began frantically searching inside. Barbara was confused.

"There you are." She heard him mumble. He returned to her holding a condom. She smiled and took it from him, glad that one of them had some sense left. She tore the package open and slowly rolled it down his length. He enjoyed her touch and kissed her again when she finished.

He repositioned himself on top of her and she eagerly opened herself to him. He rubbed against her, teasing her. He wanted to drive her mad with anticipation. It didn't take long.

"Tommy!"

He knew what she wanted, but he also knew what she needed. He touched, fondled, tongued and teased until he had her crying out again, this time in ecstasy. Now she was ready for him.

He was bigger than most men, so he entered her slowly. She still gasped. He stilled himself as they both experienced this most intimate connection for the first time. He caressed her face. "I love you Barbara."

She believed what he said; she could see it in his eyes. He loved her.

"I love you too."

He closed his eyes. It was all he ever wanted to hear and she hadn't hesitated to say it.

Tommy wanted to savor the moment, but Barbara wouldn't let him. She squeezed herself tightly around him and his eyes flew open.

He couldn't help but smile. "Impatient?"

"Yes!"

He moved for her, slowly at first. Then he gradually increased his thrusts. The feeling of him inside her made Barbara want more, so she grabbed his ass and helped. She met him thrust for thrust. She couldn't seem to get enough of him inside and her desire soon drove him to the edge. He wanted her to know that his pleasure was about her, so he called out her name as he came.

"Oh...Barbara!"

Their sweat mingled as he rested on her. He was breathing heavily and didn't notice right away but her body was shaking. She was crying.

He didn't understand.

He brushed the sweat strewn hair from her eyes. "What's wrong? Please tell me!"

She sniffled. "I've never…" She choked up before she could finish.

"Never what…Barbara?"

She took a deep breath to calm herself before she reached up to caress his face.

"I've never felt so loved."


	30. Chapter 30

As they lay in bed Barbara explored him with her hands. She wanted to learn what was hard and what was soft, what was smooth and what was coarse. She traced his wrinkles and found his scars. The faint scar on his leg, "I was thrown from a horse." The puckered one just above his right shoulder blade, "Stabbed when I was a DC." She kissed that one before sliding her hand down his back. She stopped just above his rear and let her nails glide lightly across one cheek. He flinched. She repeated it across the other; he laughed and flinched once again. She'd found the one spot where he was ticklish. He rolled onto his back to stop her.

"Come here." He opened his arms to her and she settled across his chest and side, intertwining her leg with his. "This is nice," she murmured. Their shared warmth and rhythmic breathing soon put them both to sleep.

Xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

When Barbara woke up early the next morning, she felt her head on a pillow and covers pulled up around her shoulders. She also felt the warm body sleeping next to her. It was a wonderful feeling and she couldn't help but snuggle up next to him. She felt him stir. He casually slid his arm around her naked torso and pulled her in close.

"Morning."

His deep gravelly voice and his now opened eyes peering into hers sent a shiver down her spine. She loved this man.

Barbara stole a kiss before replying. "Morning."

He stole it back.

Their lovemaking the morning after was slow and sensual. It was about touching and being touched, looking at and being seen, loving and being loved. It was a blissful morning for them both, but it wasn't long enough.

"Mmmm…Tommy…." He tried to quiet her with a kiss. "Tom..mmmm…" She had to push herself from him to get a word in.

"I have to go to work."

"Call in," he murmured into her neck.

"No…hey..," she giggled as his morning stubble tickled her. "I can't…uhmm…I can't, everyone is on holiday."

"So?"

"So, I'll be off for the long weekend after today."

He wrapped both arms tightly around her. "I don't want to let you go."

She smiled. "I don't want you too, but it's not forever. I'll be back."

"Tonight?" He looked worried.

"Course." She kissed the worry from his face before she slipped out of bed.


End file.
